Ep 79: Undermining Urgency

March 10, 2026
Love You More
Ep 79: Undermining Urgency

Episode summary:

Jen reflects on the quiet but persistent sense of urgency that can shape our days without us fully realizing it. She shares how constant input from phones, messages, podcasts, and the everyday rhythm of parenting and work can keep the nervous system activated. Even small pockets of potential stillness often get filled automatically. Jen begins experimenting with simple shifts such as letting space remain empty, delaying the impulse to respond or order something right away, and allowing moments of boredom, quiet, or daydreaming to unfold.

As she notices how urgency feels in her body, Jen explores the deeper desire behind these changes, which is cultivating more inner calm and spaciousness. She reflects on the pull of productivity and the identity that can form around always being responsive. The conversation closes with a reading from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo and a gentle reminder that when everything feels urgent, slowing down may be exactly what we need.

Favorite Quotes:

“There’s lots of actual opportunity for white space in my day, but I never let it be white space. I always fill it.” 

“There’s opportunity that presents for stillness, for quiet, for calm, but I don’t really give myself that chance.” 

“I’m just so tired of being run around by productivity.” 

“I’m wanting more inner calm. I’m wanting more inner stillness.” 

“The mind is always scanning, always scanning, like what should you be doing?” 

Resources 

Jen's Instagram
Jen's Substack
Sober Sisters in St Louis Substack
Sober Sisters in St Louis Website
McDaniel Nutrition Therapy Instagram
McDaniel Nutrition Therapy Website
Past Podcast Episodes
Book: The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo
Book: Solitude: A Return to the Self by Anthony Storr
Spring Fling: Style, Silence & Understanding Urges
2026 Silent Retreat 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:15

Welcome to the Love You More podcast. I am your host, Jennifer McDaniel, and today I'd like to talk a little bit about urgency. I think I've talked about this sort of feeling or things that I'm doing to be a little bit more peaceful and calm, attending to my nervous system in a thousand different ways on this podcast. But um, it's kind of what's coming up for me right now, and that always means that's the topic to discuss because anything else would be inauthentic. So um, where do where do I begin? I think I'd like to begin with all the things that maybe feel like they aren't supportive to my nervous system, and then what I'm trying to do to be a better attender to myself. I made a little list on my whiteboard, so I'll start with the phone. I mean, will this ever get easier? I had a client telling me yesterday that she uses the brick. I don't know if you all have heard about that, but it is like a physical device that you plug into your phone to help you with boundaries and spending time on it when you want to be and when you don't want to be. And I have tried other things. I think the other one I called was um tried was called ScreenZen. I gave that a really good go for probably a month, and I was a fan. Um I had limits to apps that I could, like time limits that I could spend. Um, it would count how many times I checked my email. And then I'm pretty sure the reason why that whole system got broken, because it was working. I did like it. I did find I was spending less time on my phone was that my son wanted to play Clash Royale and kept stealing my phone because he doesn't have a phone yet. And um then he would I set limits for him on that thing too, and then somehow he would like bust through it, and then I couldn't figure out how to get it reset correctly, and then there was passwords involved, and I just gave up. I don't know if there is an external system, and I'm sure people have opinions on this, but that really works for a long time period. Somehow it seems like things always sort of creep back a little bit. And I don't know if I'm giving myself too much credit, but I would really love to try to figure out how to do this internally. Um, but what I've been noticing with my own patterns around my phone, I don't, I mean, I am in charge. So since I've sold my company, I am putting social media content out there, but I have sort of changed how I do it. I'm not um, I don't do like a lot of personal videos anymore. I'm just doing content that hopefully represents our company and represents the um conversations that we have with clients and maybe hot topics that I think people are interested in. But that being said, I'm still in charge of social media and I do have to spend a little bit of time in there. Um I usually try to post and get the hell out of there as fast as I possibly can. Social media is not really my thing, my problem. I don't, I don't have uh, I don't find myself hopping on and then not knowing that I've been on it for an hour. That's just not my thing. My thing is responding to people, responding to text messages, responding to email, picking my phone up to make sure I haven't missed something, but it's always in my hand. I carry it from room to room. Um, I take it to the bathroom. I what are other embarrassing things that I do with my phone? I don't take it on runs, and when I go for a run, I don't take it with me. But anyway, it's just always on. And um, and if I'm not engaging with it like from a work standpoint, I'm listening to a podcast, I'm always like earbuds feel like they're in my ears 80% of the day if I'm not like seeing clients. Um now when my kids come home, I take out my earbuds, but I I just I'm always listening to something and and and it's educational and it's helpful, but like there is input coming in from my phone a lot. And I especially notice my increased like uh usage of my phone, like when my kids get home from school, um, that my nervous system has a harder time when the kids get home, not because of them, but because of like what they want to do. Like it's like managing screen time and making sure they've gotten their homework done. And when you have three different kids and each person gets a certain amount of time on the screen, it's like trying to manage that and um picking up kids from the gym. Like I I I'm happy to take people places, I'm happy to do all the things, but it's it's a lot, and I do find that after school, between those hours of 3.30 and say 6.30 at night until my husband gets home, that I'm my nervous system seems to be at a different kind of pace. And at the same time, I'm on my phone a lot more. It's like I'm using my phone as a way to sort of escape from that a bit, even if it's just stupid things like making sure for the 15th time I know when my my clients are tomorrow, you know, or looking at the weather or ordering stuff on Instacart or whatever. It's just I'm I'm engaging a lot with it. And I think 80% of that is really not necessary. Um in spaces of in-between times, like when I'm driving somewhere, or maybe I have 15 minutes between clients, or um I'm kind of idle when my kids get home because they don't really need me. They're watching their show, I'm kind of done with work, it's not time to prep dinner quite yet. I have like a few minutes of like idleness time, right? Then that always seems to need to get filled. I am filling it with um with probably being on my phone too. And in the car, I might like try to knock out sending a text, a voice, a voice memo to one of my office managers, which of course is not safe, but I'm I'm being all transparent here. So it also seems like there's lots of actual opportunity for white space in my day, but I never let it be white space. I always effing fill it. You know, I'm filling it somehow. There's opportunity that presents for for stillness, for quiet, for calm, but I don't, I don't really give myself that that chance. The only time I do do a very good job of that is in the morning. In the morning, I usually have like five to six is quiet reading time, coffee time, and then I usually go work out or go for a walk. Um, and that also is could could also be like non-input time, but a lot of times I will listen to something then too. But it could be a quiet time opportunity. Um, other things that my nervous system I mean screens are really a source in our house of like stress for me. I'm always trying to think about how to manage that the right way, the so-called right way. But our TV is on a lot. And I mean, sometimes it's on the office and we'll watch a couple shows, or it's on the my youngest son loves the Simpsons. I don't know. I just feel like that's another source that my nervous system doesn't love. It's just like constant sound in my home, you know, and it and even if the TV was turned off, I have three boys, which can all also be quite loud. And I think that's sometimes why I have the TV on, because when they're when the TV is on, no one's fighting. But when the TV's off, there's just a lot more opportunity for discourse, and that's loud, and that's something to manage. So that just sort of feels stressful too. I'm just I'm just continuing to go down my list. The other thing I've noticed too with urgency is this lack of like waiting for things. Um like I might I might be getting ready in the morning and I realize I'm almost out of facial toner. I'll pick up my phone and like order it right away, you know. Or I think I've literally had Instacart make some kind of delivery to our house for pet food, for lunch orders, for whatever, like every day. I am not waiting. No one is waiting for anything. There's a sense of urgency, like this must get here. And uh quite often that is also not the case. None of those things, the protein bars that my son requests, don't have to come the next day. And I'm seeing that um I'm just kind of practicing a little bit with that, like holding off. So when something comes to mind, I can say, I mean, it is hard. Like not using the phone is really tough because I would use my phone to like make a list of what I need, right? So even if I was trying to improve upon condensing my orders, I I would need some kind of like maybe I just have to have a paper and pen, like at two places in my home, like one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. And every time an idea comes up that I need something, I mean, we are doing that more in the kitchen when we run out of something. I just say, well, add it to the whiteboard, you know, and you're not gonna get it today. And you're you're gonna get it when I have a large enough list that it makes sense to spend the money on ordering this in one bulk order. So I'm trying to do that, but I'm also just seeing that if the toner shows up in a couple of days, my face won't crack and dry and get terrible. It'll be fine. It'll all be fine. So the urgency, even with like replenishing things and the way that we can do that, like we can totally have these things so quickly all the time. Um so I guess I'm just aware of of that piece. And text messages also, I'm really exploring with text messages. I have found I like, I think I'm just a small group kind of girl. I like small intimate groups. And when I'm on a text message group with a lot of people, and I wake up in the morning and it says 50, little red number 50. I'm like, oh my gosh, I like, what did I miss? And I don't love that, you know. Um, and half the time I can just skim through it and realize, okay, you didn't miss anything. All good, not a big deal. Um, and I was telling my middle son about this because they have they don't have phones, but they have Apple watches. And my middle son is on some group chats, and he's like, Oh yeah, mom, I'll wake up sometimes and see. Like, I have 350 messages. And I'm like, Oh my, what do you do? I say. He's like, I just don't do anything. I just delete them, or I don't remember what he said, but he was so matter-of-fact with it. And I was like, huh. Okay, so really it's not that the text messages are a big deal, it's the story that I have somewhere around my mind that I'm supposed to read every single little thing and make sure I didn't miss anything and respond appropriately. That's the problem. The 50 number is not really a problem. However, that being said, I still love a group chat no no more than five. I think it's my favorite kind of thing. But that's like, I'm just paying attention to myself, you know, these last, I mean, I'm always paying attention to myself, but like more so recently, because I'm reading this book called Solitude right now, um, which is sort of like what is inspiring this whole conversation around urgency and calm and nervous system stuff, is I'm just kind of noticing when I move through my day and I'm noticing my body and how my body reacts to things, how does that feel? Um, that's where some of this conversation is coming from, these noticings. And um why does it matter? Why does why should we, why should I, why should I even care about any of these things? I mean, I'm getting stuff done, I'm productive, I'm fine, I don't have any major health issues, but uh, I think with some time, if we have this nervous system that just continues to run on fight or flight and um not on rest and digest, I think things happen, you know, um very slowly, sometimes not so slowly. And I'm not running from this from a fear-based standpoint. I'm really it's more about like, what am I craving? What am I craving? What am I wanting? I'm wanting I'm wanting more inner calm. I'm wanting more inner stillness, and I know it's there. I mean, it's always there. I can sense it right this very second. But it's just like it's getting crowded out all the time with with other things or a busy mind or or whatever, and we can't stop what the mind does. Thoughts just come and go, but I notice even as little as, because I am like so early on in this book, and I'm so early on, kind of really trying to have less engagement with some of these things that make my nervous system run higher. I'm already noticing that I feel differently. I feel, I just feel more at ease. There is a part of me though, like when I'm walking around, it's like the mind is always scanning, always scanning, like, what should you be doing? What should you be doing? And when I respond with no nothing, when I'm like, oh, you just actually get to eat lunch right now, and then and then I'm gonna go sit down and do my puzzle for like 15 minutes before my client, like the brain doesn't like that, the body doesn't really like that either. It's like, what? No, there's things that you should be doing. You could like catch up on this and get this done, and you haven't finished this yet. And I mean, it runs through the list. But I'm I'm not I'm not uh it's slave, you know. I I don't have to be um uh I don't have to listen to that. So I'm I just had my lunch, I ate slowly, I I had everything put away, I didn't multitask while I ate, and then I went and did this octopus puzzle I've got, which was fairly poorly made and drives me nuts, and I actually sent an email to the person who made it because she is um tangent, sorry. She's a beautiful the it's an art. I got this like at a at a far a farmer's market from this artist, and this octopus artwork is so gorgeous. But whoever she had make this puzzle did not do a very good job. So I just wanted to let her know that her artwork is so amazing, but she needs to find a new puzzle maker. Side note. Okay. Um, so yeah, the body that your body kind of won't like it when you say, I'm not gonna do anything. And it's okay for me to be idle for a minute. It's okay for me just to sit here and stare out the window. I mean, in this book, Solitude, he talks about daydreaming and how little daydreaming we do and how beneficial daydreaming can be. Um, it's not really something that the world tells us we should be doing, you know. I mean, we probably got in trouble for daydreaming in school at one point, but daydreaming is a beautiful way to let the brain kind of just settle and be curious, and maybe some insights will come about something. Who knows? You know, when you take a shower, I don't know about you, but I often have a lot of great insights. Uh, when I go for a walk and I'm not doing anything, I often have a lot of wonderful insights, and often sometimes early in the morning, those come. Well, what is the common denominator? You're just kind of settled and you're and you're calm and you're expansive and outdoors, and there's just this beautiful you're not multitasking, right? In the shower, you're just showering, it's all you can do most of the time, I think. And it's like this, I don't know. If I need to come up with an idea, showers could often be a good place for that. So anyway, um, those are some of the benefits, I think. You know, and some what other benefit is just I enjoy my own company, I enjoy being by myself. I I really love that. And I mean, and boredom will come for sure. What restlessness will appear, but I can just sort of notice that. What does that even feel like in my body? What does it feel like in my body to be bored or restless? Uh, how long will it last? You know, will I will I give it the chance to kind of complete its complete its cycle, or will I interrupt it by picking up my phone and checking email? Or will I interrupt it by getting engaged in my to-do list in my mind? Or will I just kind of see what boredom feels like for a little longer, a few more seconds? Those are some of the things that I'm playing around with. I'm playing around with not trying to fill space, like when I'm in my car, just being in my car, not having to listen to a podcast, not having to send a message to an office manager, um, going for longer stretches of time where I just do not pick up my phone. I started kind of writing it down like this morning. I didn't pick up my phone from 5 until 7:30. And then I didn't pick up my phone until like 9 to 11. Whatever. You know, I'm just kind of having, I'm like just aware of these stretches and like trying to even challenge myself. Like the minute I want to pick it up, kind of asking, what do I want to do with this? What am I hoping to get out of it? Another thing I'm kind of playing around with too is like if I am going to be on my phone, I have to take a seat. Who knows how long that'll last? Probably a day. But it is interesting. It's kind of like eating. You know, I always tell my clients, um, if you can, it's it's it's important to sit down when we eat. I mean, the nervous system needs to know we're in rest and digest. And we get a whole lot of issues if we stand and eat all the time. You know, we are digestive issues. The body doesn't really feel emotionally and physically satisfied when we stand when we eat. So if I'm gonna get on my phone, what if I took a seat with the intentionality that I'm going to accomplish a couple of things versus standing and walking around and carrying it with me and blah, blah, blah, you know, the old, the old patterns. I'm just so tired of being like run around by productivity that's, you know, culture and my phone and responding. And I mean, I am, I'm a quick responder. Someone texts me. You don't have to wait a day. You're gonna hear with me from me within like an hour, you know. And that's a hard thing to break because there's a little bit of identity in that. There's a little bit of um, I don't know, I'm a good friend, or I want you to know I'm paying attention, or it's it's really a protective mechanism of something that does not need to be protected. So even looking at the why of why we do certain things, why we respond, the way we do it, um I'm also I'm also planning a a silent retreat. I'm gonna talk more about this in another podcast, but it's in September and um it it is at a place called the Kindred Forest. We will have max like 12 to 13 spots. And I don't say that to be like better get your ticket now. No, not at all. I mean, I who knows? We probably won't even feel that, but I am I have no idea. But um anyway, it's it's a chance to practice some of this stuff, it's a chance to be with ourselves, only ourselves. There will be very sparse opportunities for talking. Um, I have done silent retreats, a silent retreat before. It was an incredible experience. I loved it so much. And I just want to offer something like that to people who are curious about it. Um we'll put the link to the website in our show notes, but it's gonna be like a Thursday afternoon to a Sunday afternoon, so not a terrible length of time. My silent retreat was like five days, five days silent, and it was like a six-day, but in total, like about five days of silence. And um, you just learn a lot about yourself, and you also learn that you do have, you learn how to, you learn how juicy and rich and lovely it is to feel the silence within you and to know that you have access to that anytime you want it. It's who you are, it's our essence, you know. We're not our thoughts, we're not our body, and you know what I mean. Like, we're not just a body, like there's so much richness to us, and you really kind of feel that, I think, in a silent retreat. I mean, there's challenges for sure. Whew, there were some challenges. I remember sitting next to someone who was making a lot of mouth noises, and I don't know, I mean, I have no idea what was going on, but it was tough for someone who has a really hard time with mouth noises. Um, people would fall asleep and you'd hear snoring. Um you're just you would just be so like your mind would be like, oh my god, when is this gonna end sometimes? But many other times it was like, this is really lovely. I have nothing to do. I have nothing to do. And and that is that can feel scary, and that definitely feels like nothing we're used to, but it's a really cool thing to experience. So anyway, yeah, that's in September. I think it's like September 10th through the 13th, and um we're gonna have a forest bathing experience, which I'm gonna ask Joe from the Kindred Forest to come on and talk to us at the Love You More podcast about forest bathing. And then um we're going to have a sound bath and we're going to have a Feldenkrais lesson, and we're gonna have a lot of silence. So um, if you have any curiosities about that or you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me. But um anyway, so yeah, so this was just oh, I wanted to read something to you. Um I'm actually, we actually uh in another note, um our sober sisters in St. Louis has our March event. It is going to be at Goldie's Hair and Wardrobe in Maplewood, which is my friend's amazing clothing store. So many cute things. So we're gonna have a little spring fling where you can come in, do a little shopping if you so wish, and then we're going to practice a little silence, just like 10 minutes or so. And then um we're gonna talk about urges, uh, kind of like this sort of topic, urges and cravings. And if so, if you have any desires, this is not like a I mean, we're not gonna serve alcohol. I think I'm gonna try to bring on the um, I think I'm gonna try to bring some drinks from recess, which are like these alcohol-free sparkling drinks that have some fun adaptogens and magnesium and whatever. So calming stuff. Um, so I'll have some of those for us to try. And um, yeah, anyone's welcome. But um you can get those tickets on Eventbrite. We'll also put that in the show notes. But I'm gonna read this. So if you're not coming, you'll get it now. And if you are coming, you're gonna get to hear twice. This is a book called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. He's one of my favorite poets and authors. It's a little long, so you can feel free to jump off the podcast now if you'd like, but I'm gonna go ahead and read it. This is from February the 24th. So this Book of Awakening has a nice reading for every day of the year. It's it's just and it's just short enough. Okay, so the title of it is called Behind the Urgency. When feeling urgent, you must slow down. I learned this over and over during the many crises of cancer. Unless someone is bleeding or can't breathe, unless there is some true physical requirement to act swiftly, a sense of urgency is a terrible illusion. A trick that happens again and again because life inside our skin and outside our skin are forever different. It is as hard as it is humbling. When feeling like I can't sit still, I need more than ever to sit still. When feeling like I will die if I don't have your approval, I need more than ever to die to my need for your approval. What we need is always harshly and beautifully right before us, disguised in the wrapping of our nearest urgency. We just refuse to accept this because it feels so difficult to face. The doorway to our next step of growth is always behind the urgency of now. Now more than ever, when all feels urgent, you must cut the strings to all events. Now more than ever, when the weights you carry seem tied to your wrists, you must not run flap run or flail. Now more than ever, when each decision feels like the end, you must believe that each question is a beginning. Now more than ever, when you hear that being who you are is a knife to those you love, you must be strong inside where no one has seen you. For loving from there can only make those you love grow. Now more than ever, when feeling that you are the source and recipient of all pain, you must bow your head till the ancient channel from sky to heart can reopen, till you remember that you are a blessed piece of spirit dust in the spirit wind. Now more than ever, you must breathe till your ounce of breath becomes the sky again and again. In this way, pray to know your place in the human family like you've never known it. In this way, pray to have your true self inch through your turmoil. In this way, love yourself the way you love the emptiness of time. Love yourself the way you love your children or your dog or your dearest friend without reservation. In this way, today with all its hardships will spill into tomorrow and decisions will become as clear as streams thawing. So I don't know. I I love some of that I'm still a little bit like, what does he mean by that? But a lot of it is, yeah, that's pretty beautiful. Um it's good to notice that we have urgencies. It's good to see what that is. What does that feel like in the body? What might be behind it before we respond or take action? Because most of the time there's no action or response that needs to be taken, other than just attending to ourselves. All right, friends. Love you more. Thanks for being here.